Regardless of how it occurred, being ᴄʜᴇᴀᴛᴇᴅ on can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem, making you doubt everything from your body to your ⓢⓔⓧⓤⓐⓛ skills, your intellect to your ability to keep someone’s attention. Unfortunately, as a relationship coach, I see this all the time. And his ᴄʜᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ is neither acceptable nor understandable. If you’re so miserable that you feel compelled to go, so unhappy that you’re willing to sacrifice your relationship, then break up first!
And while it’s neither OK nor your fault, there are a few things you could have done to contribute to his desire to step out.
1. You deny ɪɴᴛɪᴍᴀᴄʏ
Physical and emotional ɪɴᴛɪᴍᴀᴄʏare vital components of a good relationship. Don’t deny ɪɴᴛɪᴍᴀᴄʏ as a way of punishment, or withhold it only to occasionally gift him with some sensual touch because he was good and deserves it. That’s called playing games. ɪɴᴛɪᴍᴀᴄʏ should be a connector, bringing you two closer as you allow yourselves to be vulnerable and completely release together, for and with each other.
DON’T:
– Use ⓢⓔⓧ as a present only for special occasions.
– Withhold ⓢⓔⓧ because he was “bad” or didn’t give you what you wanted. That doesn’t mean that you should always give it up either. If you feel like he is withholding emotionally and you begin to feel ⓢⓔⓧⓤⓐⓛⓛⓨ used, that’s a different story.
2. You’re so insecure!
Don’t bring out your ballooning butt, drooping breasts, dimpled thighs, muffin stomach, or any other physical faults unless you actually want him to see you through his contaminated glasses. Allow him to adore your physique! It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it just because you don’t. Unless you force him to, he won’t see your defects.
DON’T:
– Keep your body hidden
– Bad-mouth yourself in front of him
– Point out your physical flaws.
– Tell him that he deserves someone better than you, or that “she” would be better for him than you are.
– Cry all the time because you think you aren’t good enough.
3. You’ve turned off your emotions.
By emotionally freezing him out, you are showing him that you are no longer an environment of safety and trust for him. He can no longer feel comfortable letting his guard down around you. He feels that he now has to tiptoe around you, careful not to say or do the wrong thing. You have taken away emotional intimacy and he may want to go out and find that safe haven somewhere else.
DON’T:
– Always be cold. If you are upset, communicate.
– Disconnect. Making him feel unwanted, unloved, not needed will make him feel the need to go to someone else who does want, love and need him.
4. You don’t have faith in him and are always asking, “Are you ᴄʜᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ on me?”
Questioning him constantly, asking him what he did last night, checking his phone, and displaying open skepticism is a complete turn-off. Unless he has a track record of being untrustworthy. Which is another issue you’ll have to deal with, but you can’t hold it against him in the future (as difficult as I know that is). But if you constantly blame him, treat him coldly, or accuse him of something he didn’t do, he will almost certainly do it. “Well, I’m already getting in trouble for it, so I might as well do it!” is the mindset. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, in other words.
5. You stop putting effort into yourself
Just because you’ve been together for a long time and are dedicated to one other doesn’t mean he’s no longer a 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕦𝕒𝕝 creature who is attracted to a hot body, flirty demeanor, and lingerie. Don’t forget who you were before, the lady who drew him in the first place. Yes, he adores you; but, he is still a man, and men are visual beings.
DON’T:
Stop trying to put effort into your looks. This includes shaving, wearing 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕪 lingerie on occasion, putting on your makeup and working out. Yes, it’s great that you are comfortable enough to wear sweats and be “seen” for who you truly are. But sometimes you still have to pull out that that 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕪 beast of a woman! Believe me, the effort will pay off. And not just for him. Putting effort into yourself will make you feel 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕪 too.
– Stop flirting. When you go out to dinner, don’t just talk about your daily minutia, chores, the kids or annoyances. Flirt with him! Go on dates with him again.
– Stop being 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕪 . Lingerie, attitude, body language, the works! Bring your 𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕪 self back to the relationship.
6. You don’t make him feel valued.
A man, like you, desires to be desired, needed, loved, and appreciated.
Why would he do anything if he feels like an afterthought, like an assistant, like a wet towel, that what he does for you is neglected or underappreciated? Good behavior, like that of a dog, must be rewarded and complimented. I’m not suggesting you go overboard, but you should acknowledge it.
Would you continue to work hard and try your best at something if you never got any words or acts of appreciation in return? That being said, make sure that they way you show appreciation is the way he feels appreciation. You may tell him in words, but he feels appreciation by receiving time or touch. Communication! It’s an essential.
DON’T
– Harbor and hold onto resentment. It’s a toxin that will eat away at your relationship’s foundation.
– Let him feel taken for granted, ignored, or like his efforts are expected but not appreciated.
7. You’re squeezing a little too hard.
Yes, it’s wonderful that you see each other so frequently. And you adore the fact that your worlds are centered on each other. But if you get to a point where he feels like he isn’t allowed to have a life outside of the one you two share, he might seek a secret life. Same goes with you. If you start to be lifeless aside from him, what makes you interesting? What do you bring to the table? Where did you go? You can’t be a partnership without being an individual first.
DON’T
– Squeeze too hard; like Jello, he will slip through your fingers.
– Suffocate him.
– Lose yourself.
Sources: sheknows.com, za.opera.news
