My husband and I have been living together for eight years, and for seven of those years, we have slept in separate bedrooms. No, it’s not because we dispute a lot or because we have children (we don’t), but simply because we prefer it that way. It doesn’t seem like a huge deal, right? Who cares if you sleep in different bedrooms or don’t take trips together?
The most crucial aspect is to be joyful. However, when you set your own rules in your marriage, you may meet preconceptions that lead you to believe you are doing everything wrong.
Here is the full story:
I once woke up in bed alone. And I was very certain that I had gone to bed with my boyfriend. When I snuck into the adjacent room, I discovered him sleeping soundly on the couch. I said to myself, “Okay, I’ll deal with this in the morning.”
We had the following conversation during breakfast the next day:
— I lost you last night; why did you go into the other room?
— You see, I couldn’t sleep. You were twisting and turning, breathing heavily, and I awoke every time you moved.
— Hmm, okay. I never realized I breathed that loudly.
The same event occurred the following night. We fell asleep together and awoke apart. So I understood that we needed to talk about it.
During the conversation, we discovered it was difficult for us to sleep together. My partner remembered all of our disputes because he hadn’t slept well: he snored, I woke him up, he didn’t get enough sleep, and he was irritable. Sometimes I snored, and he woke me up, leaving me unable to fall back asleep. Often, one of us would wake up because it was too hot or because the other got up to get some water, and I once had a strange dream in which I jabbed my partner in the eye.
Furthermore, we discovered that we had completely distinct sleep cycles. At the time, I had a very flexible work schedule, so I was most active in the evenings and at night — I could watch movies and read books until midnight, and I woke up at 9 a.m. — 10 a.m.
And my boyfriend had to be at work by 9 a.m., so he needed a solid night’s sleep. However, due to the complications produced by sleeping together, neither of us were able to sleep for more than 6-7 hours. As a result, he and I were increasingly angry, fatigued, and worried.
So we decided that it would be best for us to sleep in separate bedrooms, and fortunately, we had enough space.
To be honest, I didn’t initially agree with my lover about sleeping separately. It felt strange to me because I was used to seeing people sleeping together. My parents began sleeping separately after their 25th wedding anniversary. And my lover felt great: he fell asleep considerably sooner, woke up easily, prepared breakfast for us, and went to work cheerfully.
Finally, our arguments stopped almost completely — most of our reasons for arguing just disappeared and both of us became much calmer in general.
Besides, we started to work together much better — where before, it was hard for both of us to get up and collect ourselves.
