Sarah never anticipated she’d be in this predicament, but she needs help. She feels like the evil guy in her own house and is unsure whether her actions are right or wrong. She reached out to our staff for input to determine if she was on the right track.
Here is her story.
Sarah set some guidelines for her stepdaughter to ensure a healthy atmosphere at home.
She is married to an amazing man named Mark, who has a 16-year-old daughter named Emma from his previous marriage. Emma has been living with them full time for the past six months. Sarah was initially ready to develop a closer friendship with Emma, but things did not go as planned. Emma is a bright and determined teenager, and they’ve disagreed on a variety of matters, the majority of them have to do with home rules.
Sarah writes, “From the beginning, I established some standards for our household. I feel that keeping a controlled atmosphere with clear rules will let everyone coexist harmoniously.” Here are the rules.
1. Chores: Everyone has responsibilities.
Emma’s tasks included keeping her room clean, doing her laundry, and helping with dishes and trash.
2. Curfew: On school nights, bedtime is at 10 PM. On weekends, she could stay up until midnight, but no later.
3. Screen Time: No phones or laptops at the dinner table, and a maximum of two hours of recreational screen time on school nights.
4. Respectful Communication: We don’t tolerate shouting, name-calling, or disrespectful language in the house.
Emma has never had to observe any rules while living with her mother.
Emma was used to a more relaxed atmosphere at her mother’s house and resented Sarah’s regulations from the beginning. Initially, it was little offenses like as leaving dirty dishes in the sink or ignoring her responsibilities. Sarah tried to speak to her calmly, stressing how important these regulations were for everyone’s well-being, but Emma only nodded and barely complied.
The real troubles came with the curfew. Emma frequently remained up past midnight on school evenings to text or browse social media. This influenced her emotions and academic performance. When Sarah tried to enforce the 10 p.m. bedtime, Emma objected, claiming that all of her friends stayed up later, which was unfair.
Emma exploded.
Then there was the question of screen time. Sarah writes, “Emma was constantly on her phone. Despite frequent requests to put it away, she continued to bring it to the dinner table. I asked her strongly one evening to put her phone down during supper. Emma erupted, screaming, ‘You’re not my mother! “You cannot tell me what to do!”
For Sarah, this was the breaking point. She felt degraded and undermined. She discussed it with Mark, but he was conflicted. He disliked seeing Emma angry, but he also saw the value of having rules. Unfortunately, he frequently agreed with Emma, making it difficult for Sarah to enforce any restrictions consistently.
Sarah decided to give Emma an ultimatum.
Sarah and Emma sat down one evening after another disagreement about chores and curfew. She quietly but firmly indicated that these guidelines were not up for debate. If Emma couldn’t follow them, they’d have to reevaluate her living situation. Emma frowned at her and replied, “Fine, maybe I should just go back to Mom’s then!”
Sarah didn’t want it to get to this point, but she couldn’t live in a household where rules were broken. She recommended that spending more time with her mother would be useful until they all figured things out.
Emma made an abrupt decision.
Emma packed her bag and went to stay with her mother that night. They attempted to contact her through her mother, but Emma was adamant and refused to speak with Sarah, claiming that returning was not an option.
Her mother was equally unhappy about the circumstance, stating that they needed to negotiate a different arrangement because Sarah couldn’t secure her daughter’s safety. Naturally, Mark was agitated the whole time, torn between his wife and kid.
Sarah now feels unsure and lost.
Mark was distraught, accusing Sarah of being overly harsh. She felt bad, but yet relieved, because the constant stress had been overpowering.
Sarah is now contemplating whether she made the correct decision. She wants a positive relationship with Emma, but she also values structure and respect in their home. Has anyone else had a similar experience? How do you balance enforcing rules and preserving connections with stepchildren?
