My daughter often spend several weekends with her father, but this time, something happened that made my heart racing. She asked to talk with me on the phone and used our code phrase to indicate that she needed an escape. This encounter reminded me of how important having a code word is for keeping our children secure.
When I was a child, my mother taught me to use a code word if I ever got into trouble and couldn’t speak up. As an adult, I decided to teach this life-saving method to my daughter. I assumed she’d utilize it to prevent an embarrassing sleepover or uncomfortable hangout. I never imagined she would need to utilize it so soon.
Yesterday began as any other day, or so I thought. My phone rang when I was sitting in the kitchen, finishing my evening coffee. It was Dave, my ex-husband. Our formerly warm and caring relationship had become strained over time, as divorce frequently does. We attempted to preserve civility for our daughter, Amy, but tension was constantly present.
“Hey, Claire,” Dave’s voice was hesitant. “Amy wants to talk to you. She’s been asking to tell you about her day since she got here.”
This caught me off-guard. Amy normally spent her weekends with her father and rarely called me during their trips. “Oh, sure, put her on,” I said, keeping my voice level despite a knot forming in my stomach.
“Hi, Mom!” Amy’s voice seemed pleasant, yet something about her tone did not sit well with me. I listened intently, detecting an unexpected undercurrent in her typically lighthearted conversation.
“Hey, sweetie! How’s your weekend going? Having fun?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation upbeat.
“Yeah, it’s been good. We went to the park yesterday, and I drew some pictures this morning. I drew a dog, a tree, and… I wish I had a blue marker so I could draw blueberries.”
The word “blueberries” struck me like a tonne of bricks. My heart skips a beat. Amy had sneaked our secret code word into her harmless conversation. I froze, trying to remain cool. The phrase meant, “Get me out of here immediately.”
“That sounds great, honey. I’m coming to get you. Please don’t say anything to your father. I’ll explain when I get there.”
“Did you have anything else you wanted to tell me?”
“No, that’s it,” she answered pleasantly, but I could hear worry in her voice. I realized I needed to get her out of there.
“I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Okay, Mom. Love you.”
“Love you too, my Amy Wamy.” I could hear her laughing as I hung up the phone, but my hands were quivering. What might have happened? Dave had always been a decent dad. But something was obviously wrong. I grabbed my keys and went to his house, determined to get Amy home.
When I arrived and knocked on the door, I was surprised to be met by a woman I did not know. She glanced at me with both wonder and irritation.
“Can I help you?” she asked curtly.
“I’m here to pick up my daughter. Is Dave home?”
“He just stepped out to run some errands, but Amy’s inside. Who are you?”
“I’m Claire, Amy’s mom,” I replied, trying to keep my cool. “And you are?”
The woman’s expression hardened. “I’m Lisa, Dave’s girlfriend. We’ve been living together for a few weeks now.”
I blinked in shock. Dave had never acknowledged having a girlfriend, much less living with someone. Why hadn’t Amy mentioned anything about it before? But now wasn’t the time for questions. I had to get my daughter out of there.
“Well, Lisa, I just remembered Amy has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning, and there are some things we need to go over beforehand,” I lied, forcing a smile. “I forgot to mention it to Dave, but I’ll bring her back later.”
Lisa did not appear convinced but did not argue. “Fine, but I’ll tell Dave.”
“Of course,” I replied, entering the house. Amy was cuddled up on the couch, coloring in her book. Her face lighted up when she saw me, yet I could see the relief in her eyes.
“Hi, sweetie,” I said, keeping it light. “We need to prepare for the doctor tomorrow, remember?”
Amy nodded and clutched her book. She didn’t say anything as we left the house. Lisa watched us leave, but she did not stop us. I glanced at my kid as we drove away.
“You okay, baby?” I asked gently.
Amy nodded at first, but the tension dissipated, and she began to cry. “Mom, Lisa… Lisa is mean to me when Dad isn’t around.”
My heart sank. “What do you mean, sweetie?”
“She says I’m annoying and that I shouldn’t be there. She told me if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me because I’m just a kid. She said I should stay in my room and not bother them.”
Anger rose within me. How dare this woman, a stranger in my daughter’s life, abuse her like this?
“Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, trying to stay calm. “You don’t ever have to be around her again if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad, and we’ll figure this out, okay?”
Amy nodded and wiped her eyes. “Okay, Mom.”
When we reached home, I grabbed Amy warmly and assured her of my love. I contacted Dave once she had settled in with her favorite stuffed animal. He responded on the third ring.
“Hey, Claire, did something happen? Lisa said you picked up Amy?”
“Yes, something happened,” I replied, barely containing my anger. “Amy used our code word today, Dave. She wanted to leave because Lisa has been saying awful things to her when you’re not around.”
There was a long silence. “What? That can’t be right… Lisa wouldn’t—”
“She did, Dave. Amy was in tears by the time we got in the car. She’s scared of your girlfriend and didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.”
“I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’ll talk to Lisa. This isn’t okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I agreed, my voice softening. “But what’s more important is Amy. She’s the one we need to focus on.”
“You’re right,” Dave said, sounding defeated. “I’ll handle it. I promise.”
After hanging up the phone, I slumped down on the couch, emotionally exhausted. This was not how I had envisioned my weekend, but I was relieved Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It made all the difference.
Right there, I determined Amy needed a phone. I understood technology could be problematic, but it would provide her a direct line to contact me.
Reflecting on the day, I realized how important it is for parents to establish a code word with their children. It provides individuals with a safe means of communication when they are unable to talk freely. But selecting the appropriate code word is critical.
First, avoid commonly used phrases in discussion, such as “school” or “birthday.” You do not want to raise unnecessary alarm. The word should be distinctive and not easily guessed.
Second, if your youngster is old enough, think about using a brief word. Something like “sunshine forest” or “dancing penguin” provides an added degree of security. Make certain that your child can easily recall it, especially when stressed.
Finally, practice using the code word in various settings so that your child feels confident and ready if they ever need it.
Our experience was a poignant reminder of how a simple strategy can have a large impact. I hope that by sharing our experience, other parents will consider creating a code word with their children. It might be the tool they need in a critical moment.
